Such a Pretty Fat

I have about 3 weeks of recovery before I can work out like I mean it, and about 2 weeks before I can really "work out." I also have 3 weeks until class starts and 1.5 weeks until I visit my parents. So I have a little time to do the things I used to do before training, school, and recent events - things like getting my contacts fitted, folding laundry, sweeping, even sitting outside on the patio reading a book while Kona plays in the yard (when the temperature drops under 90, of course). So I got a funny book. I'll need another one - and some good drugs - for my plane ride next weekend. (Kidding about the drugs.) (Only partially though. Seriously, you'd keel over if I told you how much pharmaceutical help I required last night just to sleep through the night. And by "through the nght," I mean: sleep from 8:30 pm to 9:30 pm, wake up to let the dog out, go back to sleep from 10pm to 3am, get up to pee, and fall back asleep until around 6:30.)

Let me just say that I need funny right now. It seems like there are babies everywhere. When I was pregnant, there were big bellies all around me. It seemed like there was a baby in every woman who passed me. I used to think of big-bellied pregnant women as alien-like and frightening, and while I don't necessarily feel the same way now - I can actually see how some of them are kind of cute - they still make me uncomfortable. This is nothing new. Well, now there are BABEES (as Tea would say) around every corner. Even the f'ing blogger people are posting baby pictures. Sweet Jesus Almighty! ZOMGZ!

So, my new book is by an author named Jennifer Lancaster, who originally penned the bestselling comic novel Bitter is the New Black. Completely irreverent, honest and bitterly sarcactic, she's totally my style. She can drop f-bombs with the best of them, but so hysterically that you forget she's cursing, and reading her work is a side-splitting adventure in stream-of-consciousness literature. Such a Pretty Fat is about a heroine who loves food and herself equally - and let me add, she loves them both A LOT. She's tired, she declares, of those annoying novels where the main character starves herself thin after succumbing to societal pressure. (Frankly, so am I.) In fact, at one point, she admits, "My self-esteem may be bad for my health." She talks about looking at herself in the mirror thinking "damn, baby, you fiiiiiine!" but admits she's a size 24 and eats enough at some meals to feed starving villages in Africa. When she decides to take a digital photo of herself in full makeup and favorite jewelry to prove how good she really looks, she uploads the snapshot and gasps, "How did Jabba the Hut get in my bedroom, and why the fuck is he wearing my pearls?"

Granted, I'm a far cry from a size 24. I'm a 10 or 12, depending on the maufacturer, and most of this is because I'm just under 5 feet tall and because of my recent condition. There is the occasional 14 or 16 petite, but this is only if a)the clothing is designed by those bastards who don't seem to understand that PETITE does not mean SMALLER, particularly in the crotchal region or b)by those m'f'ers who didn't get the memo that one can be petite and still pack a pair of DD's. (I mean, since when does being short mean you have no crotch or no boobs? Seriously?! I don't care if pants are so long I trip on them, as long as I don't have raging camel toe every time I put them on. It doesn't bother me if a skirt is a little lengthy if it keeps me from pulling a Britney every time I wear it. And frankly, having to upsize anywhere from 2-4 dress sizes just so that my chest doesn't look like I either swallowed a porn star or shoved a pair of canteloupes into a plum-sized bodice is not just frustrating, it's humiliating. What about women who are a size 2 or 4 petite (translation: 0 or 2 in "regular people" clothes) but have had implants? There are a lot of them out there, trust me - even the tall ones. I mean, I know a woman who is over 5'9" and easily a size 2, but I can guarantee you her generously-sized-laboratory-created chest is not.) Anyway, reading about Jen's quest for the healthiest blend of eating well and loving herself is exactly what I need right now, especially since I was fat before, and I think it will be a bit before all my pants button again.

So my plan for the week is to plan my return to training, plan my trip to mom's, get my perpetual pile of laundry done, get my vision straight, and laugh my ass off.

I'd like that last part to be more literal, but hey, you can't have it all.