On Being Positive and The Week Ahead

It is a beautiful morning, the kind of day we don't see very often in Florida: low 70's, clear sky, average humidity. Me and the K-Dawg went on his morning car ride a bit ago. (He has a suspiciously satisfied look on his face, which means he probably just ate all the cat food downstairs.) I'm sitting here trying to write and collect myself for the day, but my little cat (Girlie Girl) is convinced I'm at the desk for her. She's pacing back and forth, twisting her neck around and occasionally head-butting me, trying to rub her face against mine. Cute, but hard to see the computer screen, so this first few sentences took me 15 minutes to re-write. Girlie is not as social as Arnie and Kona, though, so when she comes to love on me, I usually give her whatever time and attention she wants.

It was a long weekend. Not because it was more than two days, but because I did a lot. I actually did whatever I wanted to do with no restrictions, schedules or plans, and I think I was busier than when I do plan everything. The antibiotics seem to be helping - I still have some chest congestion and post-nasal drip like crazy (so I didn't do the 5-miler Sunday), but I think I've escaped pneumonia. I'm having an easier time with my relationship with Wubsy since I just came out and told him what I was thinking (as you can imagine, I eventually come out and tell everyone what I'm thinking), my stress rash is gone, my weight is (somewhat) stable, I had a great time with my friends, I met some new people and I slept almost 12 hours last night. Good thing I didn't wash the car, because I ended up on the beach Saturday. And I spent the entire afternoon yesterday doing nothing.

Wow, was THAT tough.

I was a little down, but I picked up a magazine and watched some TV and talked to my mom and muddled through it. (You know, things normal people do, the ones who know how to successfully relax.) And here we are, facing another Monday with a new perspective and a lot of coffee. Tonight I have to do my budget, study for my Tuesday class and I'm going to try to run a little with Kona. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, nothing eventful. Just winding down and tuning in.
Those are hard things for me to do, but I'm game.

It's odd to me that happiness is so elusive and difficult to define. Some things that make me happy at some points of my life fail to make me happy later. Like racing, partying, eating. Other things make me happy no matter when or where I am, like my pets, good weather, nice drives. I find it frustrating because I think being happy should come as the easiest thing on earth. I mean, who doesn't like to be happy, right?!?!? People tell me I'm not very positive, that I focus too much on the negative, but I suppose that's because I tend to accept the positive more easily and therefore believe it merits less discussion and effort. Perhaps I'd be better-served by trying to understand and discuss the positive the way I do my challenges. Although I understand, from what the pros tell me, that for people with clinical issues it's not just an issue of being positive but an issue of the way your neurotransmitters fire. So it really frustrates me to constantly hear "be more positive, be more positive." Sure, it's how you look at things, but it's also how you're wired, and some times that is way bigger and more encompassing than "thinking happy thoughts."

Besides, I'm making an effort. And the effort has to be made at my pace, not at anyone else's. I really want to make things simpler and calmer in my life and I'm doing something every day about it. But I'll never be one of those people who can just brush things off. So if I'm not positive enough for you yet, then I'm not going to apologize for it. Just because I'm not gushing about all the happy thoughts I'm having doesn't mean I'm not working on things.

And that? Is positive.