Ever notice that the word "initimidated" includes the word "timid?" - Redeux

This was a weekend of revelations, realizations and confessions.
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The confessions: I backslid a little bit with NG. I let him talk me into going for a drink with him. No, my stuff is not back at his house, but the night went far enough that he kinda started to suck me in again. I must sheepishly admit that I'm considering forgiving him for some of the grief he caused me . . . it's a long story, one that I may or may not tell, but I don't want to make any quick moves, considering how certain I was about his dastardliness a mere 72 or so hours ago.

Luckily, I caught myself just in time and spent the weekend ignoring him - and all the other boys on my list.

(This was not without the {Athena Overall and Athena 30-39 Champion} Tribrit's help. She can tell you that I almost blew the fun weekend to meet a boy, and that I had to mop the drool from my chin several times, what with all the delicious male triathletes swarming about. I am just boy-crazy. I know it. It's one of my weaknesses. Le sigh.)
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Next, the realizations.

Last year, about this time, I was posting this as I was training for Florida Half Ironman and St. Anthony's.

This year at this time? I am sitting on my laptop, a few pounds lighter but not-so-trained, slacking on upoloading pics and recovering from a day of Sherpa Duty at St. Anthony's. I'm full from eating crap on the run all but one night this weekend, and feeling a little bit twinge-y from walking/running around all day, and emotionally kinda spaced out.

I ran a little bit and I am feeling the surgery. I don't have "stitches" inside, but that's how I feel . . . . . . like I pulled them a little. Make sense? I need to start back to activity and clean eating, but I need to do it slooooooowwwwly.

But one thing is fo sho.
The race bug?
I gots it.
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2009-2010 Race Schedule Wishlist
My wishlist for the rest of the year is based on three things:

1. Start with some short-ass races
2. Add more short-ass races
3. Build to my November Half Iron
4. Do at least one stand-alone bike and swim event

May: 5k, TBD
June 28: Baldwin Park Sprint Triathlon. Goal? Well, finish, of course. But, training for a few weeks longer than I did last year (and not pregnant), I should be able to beat last year's time to place in Athena. If not . . .
July 12, 2008: Morton Plant Mease Sprint Triathlon. Goal? Improve on weaknesses from Baldwin Park.
August 1: Hammerhead Ocean Marathon
August 30: Hammerhead Olympic Triathlon
September: Century or Half Century Ride or other bike race?
October: Siesta Key Tri?
November: Miami Man Half Iron - already registered.

That being said, the above is going to take some financial, mental and emotional buckle-down.

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Now, for the revelations.

This weekend kicked my ass. I spent it following the Tribrit around, meeting tons of the T3 members and the usual gang from the CFL Tri Club.....

And feeling like the fat kid on the dodgeball team that gets picked last.

Before you say ANYTHING about this - please be aware that most people reading this are going to roll their eyes and say, "wow, woe is me, your self-esteem really needs some fucking work." Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous. But how we feel, especially about ourselves, is usually only part of the whole picture - or, at the very least, is a terribly skewed version of the whole picture. And we all know that how I feel about myself is very much dictated by the examples set by those around me, to whom I look up on a daily basis.

There's a difference, though, between comparing yourself and looking up to someone. I tend to do the former more than the latter.

Anyway, last year's entry was all about how I'm not timid. Well, that's just bullshit. I AM timid. I'm scared shitless that people don't like me, are talking about me, etc. It keeps me from speaking my mind in real life, and it also makes me so nervous that I'm sure I fail to put others at ease when they first meet me.

And I'm tired of it.
But I don't know what to do to stop it.
And no, I don't have any great epiphanies about how to solve this problem . . . I just know it exists, and I want it to change.

Tha's the first step. I'm a psych major. I knows this.
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That's all I got for now. St. Anthony's recap and pics coming, because I've been updating Facebook and Twitter all day with that news :)