A Hill on Which to Die

I always said that I could be more honest on this blog than I could in real life. Well, a million times I've tried to post about what I've been going through: with my family, with Kona, with surgery, with training. And, oddly enough, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The good, the bad, the ugly - all of it - I just couldn't bring it up. There was too much of all of it, and all of it was changing day to day.

Kona now lives with my brother. It was a great decision. He is doing good playing with my brother's dog and we are both much happier. The surgery recovery is finally over, too. It was a little scary for a bit - there were almost some complications, but things turned out well. Work is still crazy busy and going great.

And then there's the last unresolved bit.

I've been dating New Guy for about 4 months now, and although nothing was perfect (what relationship is?), we had a pretty damn good thing going. There were a couple things that came up from time to time. Every time certain people were on the phone, he would shoosh me or ignore me, or tell the caller that his other friends were there, but mention nothing of me. When certain friends were in town or at his house, he would ignore my texts. I felt like I was constantly calling him to get plans arranged but he was rarely calling me to do the same.

But nothing was ever really wrong enough for me to make a fuss over it. I was crazy about him. I didn't want to make an issue of anything because none of these issues was really a hill on which to die.

Then there was The Female Friend I once wrote about. All of a sudden the hushed phone calls in other rooms began again. I heard her on the phone with him one night, he didn't mention I was there again - and he lied and said it was his brother. Huge fight, of course . . . we talked, he apologized, said he wanted things to work . . . . 2 days later I find out from someone else that he's taking a day off from work mid-week, unexpectedly. When I ask what's going on, he is very short with me, explains that his brother is coming into town to try to find a job here and then doesn't answer my texts while his "brother" is there.

Lying . . .ignoring . . . and not trusting someone? That's a hill on which to die.

So I did what I felt like was the Right Thing. Even though I have felt this guy was the Right Thing since January. I called him and broke things off.

Only he didn't answer.

So, before I lost my nerve, I left the message on his voicemail.

Maybe I was wrong. But the past 10 years of my life have been spent on guys who were obviously not working out. I spent 4 years with a guy who swore he'd change and never did, another 4 years with a guy who refused to work things out even though he claimed our marriage was the most important thing in his world, and 6 months with a jobless lowlife who claimed he'd get his shit together and never did. I didn't want this going on for another 6 months to a year.

This is St. Anthony's weekend. I get to see some of my favorite tri-people in the whole world and get away for the weekend. Then I go see my parents for almost a week. I'm going to go back to school and start training again. I have a lot to keep me occupied for the next few months.

As for the outcome of the other and the rightness of my decision? Only time will tell.

It's time to start picking races again.